a fresh start.

I think it's time to retire my xanga account for now. I've written in it -- sporadically-- ever since the summer before high school freshman year. Why did I change?

Five days after I turned 8 years old, I promised to myself in my new Betty Boop journal that I would write every day. Every single day. That way, I could look back on myself and reflect on past events that I might have forgotten without the aid of my journal. It was such a novel idea, but...

Yeah. Now I'm really regretting it. I'm an adult now, and what I have of my early childhood are my fading memories and sparse posts in my three thin journals. Of course, I started getting lazy and jumped on the xanga bandwagon to type my posts.

I'm hoping that I'll post here constantly during my college years--maybe the switch to a new blog will seem like a fresh start and inspire me to post, instead of continuing something old and stale. I love having something to look back on. You know that memory jolt you have when you read over an old journal entry and suddenly recall the event in perfect detail? Such a nostalgia instigator.

1) "April 7, 1999

HI DIARY,
Did I tell you we were moving? No. Well, we are. I am going to miss this house so much. The new house has stairs, a chandelier, and some bedrooms downstairs...I'm gonna turn 9!"

Wow... almost a whole decade ago. I haven't imagined my house as "new" in a while.. kinda gives a new perspective.

2) "May 14, 1999

Dear Diary,
Today my sister and I walked home. This lady named Michelle Ma was hired by Mama. (Not to mention crazy, weird, stinky, and hyper.) Michelle forgot to pick us up. We got out of class at 2:30, and we waited till 4:00! Still no sign of her! So we went to the office & called Mama, but we talked to her answering machine instead. So we started to walk. We went to Dairy Belle and bought a small cone of vanilla...we started walking again. I shared the vanilla with my sister. I think I got her cold. We visited the creek, and IT WAS WONDERFUL! We skipped some rocks, then climbed back up the ledge.
I forgot to tell you, yesterday Diane saw this diary. I said, "I don't care. I'm hiding it again!"
And boy, was I sad after the day of the walking. I lost my sweatshirt! It was wrapped around my waist one moment, the other, it was GONE!! That was my favorite sweatshirt!"

Some angst..

3) LOL I LOVE THIS ONE!

"May 5, 2002

Dear Diary,
Diane got mad at me bc I wrinkled her paper she worked on for 15 min. It was an accident. I apologized for 4 times. She yelled at me and screamed "Stupid brat" 'What a use of paper" "Idiot". Me--"I said I was sorry!" I HATE HER [something unintelligible]!!!!!!!!! SHE IS ALWAYS GETTING MAD AT ME? I ALWAYS FORGIVE HER, I GIVE HER STUFF, I APOLOGIZE, SHE DOESN'T! WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE THIS???? On Friday (today is Saturday), [insert name] yelled at me. I just wanted help on my computer! What kind of friend is she? What kind of sister is Diane?"

Diane is so completely different now it's scary. lol. Actually like 60% of my diary entries were about Diane: "Fart your butt diane!!!!! [insert crude hand-drawn picture of butt]"

4) This one is a little weird.

"September 13, 2003

Dear Diary,
Back-to-School Night was so fun. I had a great time as a WEB leader, and I even got to stand in front of Mrs. Johnson's classroom and tell the parents what we were doing in the class, since Mrs. Johnson wasn't there.
Today is Volunteering Day for Leadership class. Downtown San Jose. I wonder what will happen?"

Incidentally, that night my grandma passed away.

5) And finally, a series of excerpts from nice and embarrassing posts (this is for you, Curtis):

"October 15, 2004 [EXACTLY FOUR YEARS!]
Ricky, Curtis, and Stanley introduced me to Gunbound. It's hecka fun! It adds to the fun when Curtis plays with us too."

"November 6, 2004
I'm starting to think that maybe it would have been better if Curtis and I were never friends.
I do still like him.
I feel sad when he implies that he doesn't like me.
I don't want to feel like this..."

"November 8, 2004
Today we were chatting on AIM--me, Curtis, Sarah, and Vinson--and playing Truth or Dare. Vinson asked me: Who do you like more, Curtis, Andrew, or Ricky? ...[Curtis] volunteered to leave the chatroom, but I put something mild for him: "He's weird but cool :)" How could I say what I really felt? Did Curtis think that I still liked him? How could I say...that his apologies and refusal hurt me so much...how could I say that deep down, I still liked him?
I did this [e-mail] forward thing. "First Love" by Utada Hikaru matched up with Curtis. Omg, is that true?"

And yes, I did save the best and most embarrassing for last, even though it precedes the others chronologically:

"June 4, 2004
Dear Diary,
Today at the 8th grade dance, I told Curtis that I liked him.
GASP!!!!!!!
He said "um, um..." and had a smile on his face. (He looked so cute!)
Then I felt my voice break.
I finished with an "Um, I just wanted to tell you that before school ended" then walked away. I met Jasmin and Jenny and they asked if I did it. I said, "I kinda" and repeated his reaction. Then I have no idea why, but I started to cry a little.
Later, Jenny told me that Curtis was blushing big time. I was so relieved that I told him.
Tonight was just wonderful.
I wonder what Curtis is thinking now?
He looked so cute!"

HAHAHA!!!! omg....

And I shall end this entry here, even though I have a lot more I want to say...but seriously, how can you resist ending on that last diary entry???