always the same

I just really, really, really want to move out. Dealing with my mom everyday is getting to be such a hassle and an emotional strain.

1. I can't go anywhere without worrying whether she's going to yell at me or make me feel guilty. I would be about to leave the house and she'd jump up and scream "WHERE ARE YOU GOING" like I'm committing a sin. Can't even go to Target/friend's house without an interrogation. And finally when I insist I have to go to something like badminton or to do an errand, she'll sit back down and mutter snidely about my wasting gas, being lazy, useless, etc.

2. Even her presence in the house makes me feel cautious. Let's say my dad and I are home alone while she's out getting groceries or doing her exercise thing at the library. I'd be at the computer or whatever, and I would hear her key turning in the lock. This sound alone is enough to make me straighten my back, fix my hair, check the surrounding area to make sure it's neat, etc. Too many bad experiences when she yelled at me immediately upon returning home. I don't feel comfortable doing anything when she's in the house.

3. When I'm out, I always feel a burning need to return home just so my mom won't rage at me or call me nonstop if I'm out "too late."

4. If I buy something, something small, even something like cotton balls, I hide it in my purse and try to sneak it into the house so she won't freak out. "Aah, shopping AGAIN. What a big money-waster. Oh well, that's just how she is. Doesn't think about the future at all! Useless."

5. I can't recall how many times she's called me useless/reckless/lazy/stupid/a liar. I'm so sick of having her put me down for something so little, like a) showering late, b) forgetting to do a chore, c) cutting my friends' hair and not washing the tools thoroughly afterward, d) not haggling with my friend for his camera, e) so much more...

I remember when my aunt from Canada came over last year. She was there one morning when my mom went into a tirade against me, and kept trying to shush her. Later as we both stood outside by the car, she told me that she would be so lucky and happy to have a daughter like me. I had never felt more touched nor cared for; I wanted to cry. I always feel like crying whenever I remember this. I imagined what it would be like to have a mom as caring and kind as my aunt; I desperately wished this would happen.

My God, my mom is turning into her mother. Loud, ostentatious, demanding, cranky all the time, etc. I look at my mom now and I'm always so taken aback by how much she's aged. She's starting to look exactly like my perpetually-cranky grandmother, the one who liked hitting me for no reason when I was a toddler. It's like in my eyes, she's lost the youth and (relative) mellowness of the mom ten years ago. Does age do this to people?

She despises how busy I am, what my hobbies are, and the friends I have. I can't do anything with her dragging me back all the time. My room is my sanctuary which she enjoys rooting through and invading. My dad might allow her to scream at him and order him around, but I definitely don't want to passively submit to her insolent demands. Seeing as I'm living under her roof, I'm pretty much forced to do so for the time being.

I feel like she's the root of any insecurities or emotional problems I might have. So much unnecessary stress because of her. I wish she could be more like other moms.

At least three years before I have an excuse to move out. Then finally I could enjoy the freedom I tasted this January. Such a blissful, blissful month.