always the same

I just really, really, really want to move out. Dealing with my mom everyday is getting to be such a hassle and an emotional strain.

1. I can't go anywhere without worrying whether she's going to yell at me or make me feel guilty. I would be about to leave the house and she'd jump up and scream "WHERE ARE YOU GOING" like I'm committing a sin. Can't even go to Target/friend's house without an interrogation. And finally when I insist I have to go to something like badminton or to do an errand, she'll sit back down and mutter snidely about my wasting gas, being lazy, useless, etc.

2. Even her presence in the house makes me feel cautious. Let's say my dad and I are home alone while she's out getting groceries or doing her exercise thing at the library. I'd be at the computer or whatever, and I would hear her key turning in the lock. This sound alone is enough to make me straighten my back, fix my hair, check the surrounding area to make sure it's neat, etc. Too many bad experiences when she yelled at me immediately upon returning home. I don't feel comfortable doing anything when she's in the house.

3. When I'm out, I always feel a burning need to return home just so my mom won't rage at me or call me nonstop if I'm out "too late."

4. If I buy something, something small, even something like cotton balls, I hide it in my purse and try to sneak it into the house so she won't freak out. "Aah, shopping AGAIN. What a big money-waster. Oh well, that's just how she is. Doesn't think about the future at all! Useless."

5. I can't recall how many times she's called me useless/reckless/lazy/stupid/a liar. I'm so sick of having her put me down for something so little, like a) showering late, b) forgetting to do a chore, c) cutting my friends' hair and not washing the tools thoroughly afterward, d) not haggling with my friend for his camera, e) so much more...

I remember when my aunt from Canada came over last year. She was there one morning when my mom went into a tirade against me, and kept trying to shush her. Later as we both stood outside by the car, she told me that she would be so lucky and happy to have a daughter like me. I had never felt more touched nor cared for; I wanted to cry. I always feel like crying whenever I remember this. I imagined what it would be like to have a mom as caring and kind as my aunt; I desperately wished this would happen.

My God, my mom is turning into her mother. Loud, ostentatious, demanding, cranky all the time, etc. I look at my mom now and I'm always so taken aback by how much she's aged. She's starting to look exactly like my perpetually-cranky grandmother, the one who liked hitting me for no reason when I was a toddler. It's like in my eyes, she's lost the youth and (relative) mellowness of the mom ten years ago. Does age do this to people?

She despises how busy I am, what my hobbies are, and the friends I have. I can't do anything with her dragging me back all the time. My room is my sanctuary which she enjoys rooting through and invading. My dad might allow her to scream at him and order him around, but I definitely don't want to passively submit to her insolent demands. Seeing as I'm living under her roof, I'm pretty much forced to do so for the time being.

I feel like she's the root of any insecurities or emotional problems I might have. So much unnecessary stress because of her. I wish she could be more like other moms.

At least three years before I have an excuse to move out. Then finally I could enjoy the freedom I tasted this January. Such a blissful, blissful month.

spring break

Long time no blogzors. Oops! Must be more diligent or I won't have any memories left. I think my brain is getting a bit clogged, frankly. I'm having trouble remembering things; it's like if I don't dwell on something more than once, I'm going to forget that it ever happened.

Shall I flush my brain?

Spring break has been a lot busier than I thought it would be. I've been trekking all over San Jose for badminton and friend outings.

Tons of badminton! In the ST tournament, Jenny and I placed 1st in D womens doubles and Trevor and I placed 2nd in C mixed doubles. Awesome! So proud of my partners. Does this mean that I'm a C player now??? Hope so, I've been playing enough so I should have gotten at least a little better from high school! Our finals game in mixed was pretty intense. Lots of people were watching our game, and we split. At the final point, Lorene dropped, and Trevor and I both slid/dove for it. We ended up in a heap in the middle of the court, haha. Good times.

I love being so busy, but I hate that I'm getting in trouble for being so busy. I'd leave the house and my mom would scream, "AGAIN?" Ugh. I can't get anywhere with her dragging me back all the time. I miss January -- what a month of exhilarating freedom!

Photoshoot tomorrow. I'm excited, but this is just the appetizer. I'm so excited and stoked for the nature photoshoot I'm planning! It'll be elegant, ethereal, whimsical, playful... I can't wait!

yesteryear

Why is it that today's last year feels like yesterday... yet last year's yesterday felt like today?

out with the old; but honestly, thank you for all that time.

judgmental

it's not fair to judge someone before you even get to know the person. to hear one side of the story and judge that person... you don't even get to hear that person's side of the story.

i should have expected this, but i was too caught up in my bubble to notice that malevolent one just beyond my sight.

//over two years later, so i realize what's been happening.

you, who have always been friendly to me. spreading terrible rumors about me around and glorifying your status. how can i look or speak to you in the same way?

it's so weird how i've never noticed. i might have heard a whisper or two the first week, but really i didn't expect to hear about all this over two years later.

the people i've barely even spoken to... barely even met... have prejudged notions of me.

i would like to correct them, but why should i waste my time dealing with judgmental people?

if you are not willing to take the time to get to know me, instead dwelling on preconceived notions of me, then i should not even bother to involve you in my life.

//but it just hurts that you, a person i've always thought of as a good friend, would go behind my back.

i don't know how many you've told, but total count that i've encountered in the past few months? definitely more than a few.

this actually upsets me more than i've let on to other people. really though, i shouldn't care...why care?

because it's just not fair.

c'est la vie.

i know what i did in the end was wrong, but you should reconsider what you did (and told me) too. i was honest to you from the start about how i felt and i hoped you could accept that. maybe i should have more sense to say no; things like this don't ever turn out well. as we both found out the hard way.

in the end, we both erred.

just let it go... geez!!

Why is it that the people for whom I am supposed to care most also seem to stress me out the most?

mellow

I used to get upset about minor things, but now I try to brush them off and make the best of my situation. I wish people around me, both friends and parents, wouldn't freak out over little things; life is too short to get stirred up about every little inconvenience. Just accept that it's happened and move on. We all are only human, after all.

january

I just realized I haven't blogged in forever...

January was such a fun month! My parents shuttled off to China/Hong Kong for three weeks, leaving the car and money behind. bwahahaha. Diane and I enjoyed our dose of long-awaited freedom. I think my culinary skills have improved...





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January:

1. FREEDOMFREEDOMFREEDOM. Freedom to go anywhere, buy anything (well, grocery-wise), sleep anytime, wake anytime, hang out with anyone. I've never felt so unrestricted in my life.


2. tons of driving. Alllll over the Bay Area. Berkeley to San Jose to Fremont to San Jose to San Francisco. Tons of driving to Fremont BART. Tons of exploring. And two almost-accidents heehee.


3. I realized that I'm a closet clean freak. I get irritated when people leave their trash in my car, like when they finish a food item and stuff the wrapper in a crevice of my car. THAT IS NOT A TRASH CAN. REPEAT. THAT IS NOT A FREAKING TRASH CAN!!!!


MY CAR IS NOT A TRASH CAN


.....................................


On a side note, I should make some rules if I schlep people around.


a) Feel free to change the music if I don't care... but as driver I get the ultimate say in choosing the station. muahahaha fair enough?


b) Eating in my car is fine. I'm totally okay with that. Go ahead and put your wrapper/beverage/whatever in the cup holder after you're done eating. I only ask that you remove your own trash!!! It is only common courtesy!!! I dislike cleaning up after the people that I've driven around. IT IS ONLY COMMON COURTESY ugh.


c) I don't mind if you are sopping wet from the rain and you get into the car. It's only water; it'll dry. I do mind, however, if your shoes are completely caked with mud. Please try to scrape some mud off before entering the car!! I am eventually going to have to clean after you.


d) Mmm...that's it. lol. Anyhoo before I get sidetracked again...
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4. all the cooking!! I loved the lasagna I made! Even though it's so fatty, I want to try it again. I loved trying the dishes that I've always wanted to make but never had the opportunity to try out.

5. Badminton, badminton, and more badminton! Tons of practicing, preparing, and getting in shape for the upcoming tournaments. Next week is the berk winter tournament, in which I am playing C's and D's doubles with Jenny and C's mixed with Trevor. In February, there's the Racket Supply tournament (haven't asked anyone for that one yet) and the Irvington tournament (doubles with Jenny and mixed with Chrispy). Victor tournament (march?) I am playing D's mixed with Ian. I've been trying jump smashes, backhand smashes, crosscourt net drops, and kills with Jonas. I think we've been doing fairly well with them, but my jump smashes/backhand smashes are pretty pathetic. haha.

On top of preparing for tournaments, I'm going to be doing some assistant coaching for PHHS. I actually haven't done very much so far besides attend a conditioning day and help out at their badminton clinic. Come February/March though, there'll be a lot to do. I only hope that I'll have time to help out as much as I want to; school will take up a large chunk of my time. I'm only going to be able to help out on Tues/Thurs though.

The coaches and tryout judges. L-R: James, Rose, Aaron, Vinh, me, Emily, Michelle, Alex

6. HOUSE PARTIES!!!! What else can I say???

7. new developments heehee. ;D

i hope the rest of the year will be this fun!